***I wrote the below in 2016/ 2017 but did not post as it was too fresh and I was not in a good 'place'. But in rereading it today, it surely captures that part of my journey and thought I would share. So much great, amazing happenings since 2017 > and I will share with you soon.
***August 2017
It has been over a year since my last post. And what a ROLLER COASTER of a year it has been.
I have never been tested and tried and worn thin like this before. I have never felt more out of sorts in my life. I was hurt to the core of my existence by two people I trusted and loved and shared my life goals and dreams with and they threw me away for selfish reasons. Self absorbed, selfish, broken reasons.
I am not the first this has happened to. I had close friends of mine come out and tell me their stories of trust ripped from their existence by close friends and spouses, they shared their truths just because they saw what I was going through and they offered me solace in their own journeys. For that I am forever grateful.
I choose not to slander those who thought THEY knew what was BEST FOR ME. Who thought Their BROKEN upbringings made their reasons for lying to me - justified. It was not. I have a solid upbringing, generations of 50+ year marriages and understandings of what that means, and how through hardships then highs and lows, you simply PERSEVERE until those glorious connected moments arise again. The understanding that we all have quirks, and scratchy personality traits - but to someone who LOVES you until death do you part - holds those quirks in their gentle hands and tries to understand you - rather than dump you for a side of the fence they feel the grass is greener..
I have felt the deepest despair, the sheer confounded reality that the person who I knew....was no longer connected to me, no longer understood by me....not for lack of trying, but for the sheer WANT of that partner to talk and connect the way we use to. And to find, their agenda DID NOT INCLUDE YOU. They could NOT include you....because of....
When I finally let go of the want of my 'person' back, I was FREE. I was Singular in mind and focused, determined.
I literally had to understand that although the flesh did not Die, the death was in spirit, emotional connection, physical presence and rational mind.
All that aside, I have to find a way to create checks and balances. A way to climb out of this emotional state and find my being. And that journey begins today!
I will create my road to healing and success. Just wait, watch and see. Here's to closing out 2017 - I hope my recovery from the dismantling of my 18 year marriage is fast. I have too much living to do. But I am willing to be alone for a while as I figure it out. Remember - it is good to give yourself time.
***August 24th, 2016 - was the beginning of accepting my truth.....death without a funeral had arrived. I buried my want of something that I thought could be accomplished in a divorce/seperation...one that is absolutely amicable, even with the knowledge that lies had been told, stories concocted to keep me 'simplified' in their equation. I was all alone. ALONE, alone. Physically, mentally, emotionally and geographically.
I had no IDEA exactly one year before I would be days away from getting the Divorce Decree. I saw our planned Caribbean Adventure with our young boys as a powerful tool in rebuilding some of the simpler desires we had lost in the chaos of each day, to remove the shields we had built to protect ourselves from years of just getting on. TO take off the blinders of protection and reignite the passions and truths we currently were harboring away from each other. I was building up to the casting of lines....whereas my partner was distracted. And in my exhaustion from the budgeting, planning, homeschooling prep, rental search, clearing out of the house, prepping boat, provisioning, daily school work, daily activities and normal bookkeeping...I was not more vigilant to see the truth before my own eyes.
I did however question the parties (my husband and my friend) about certain actions, and revelaed to my husband my gut feelings - all to be thwarted or cleverly disguised as solid emails of claiming to want what I wanted. I even confronted thee Paramour (a lover, and often a secret one you're not married to; ei. the friend) and asked to let me the wife be on top of the pedestal and for her to step down....of which led to disaster. I thought I was being tactful, yet direct in my request to leave my spouse alone. Which the paramour took as a green flag and began heavy flirtatious advances to my spouse. (The proof comes in text format, ya see within minutes of the many texts to my partner, the paramour was checking in with me....I have the proof! (And when you see the time stamps on those text messages, it really makes one ill.)
