The Boulder

When your heart is open and you try and live life with inner intent and soul searching serenity…you come upon many chances to discover something new about yourself. 

I have always seen this journey as a path, a path where I am moving forward.  I imagine a quiet dirt path, meandering its way through a tall wooded grove with sunlight streaming through the leaves searching for contact with the underbrush.

In a recently hard episode in my life - I felt that my journey became a shambles and I wasn't strong enough to stay on the path.   This recent incident derailed my journey for a couple of days, but with the insight of my close friend and confidant Erica - she reminded me of some very important thoughts. 

She so kindly said "I have not fallen off track but rather my journey is still happening and the episode is part of the journey."  Visualize the episode as a boulder that has been placed on the track and it has halted your forward progress.   It is true, my lack of forward motion made me feel stifled and congested in my thoughts.

"Use the boulder as an opportunity to learn something about yourself."

Her words resonated.  When I realized I hadn't fallen off track, and the many years of aspiring to be true to my core self weren't as fragile as I imagined…..I was enlightened and heartened.  I no longer felt off track, frazzled or like a failure.  Instead the boulder was a gift, an opportunity to look within, to halt, to reevaluate the path.   If we could all look at what is halting our journey with a soft heart, we would have some wonderful lessons to learn.  

She mentioned there is no way to go through the boulder or ignore it.  If I wanted to keep moving forward on my path I needed to address it, meditate on it. Accept it as a chance to grow.

Basically, in order to begin forward motion again the boulder needed to be moved and to move it I needed to shower it with my deeper understanding and love.   To find this I would have to meditate on the boulder, but first get to know it's size, weight, structure.  Then during the meditation - focus on what the boulder is, why it is there and how it could be moved with love through a singular focus.  To move it without an offensive measure but with tenderness.

This meditation had amazing results and gave me calm, strength, and highlighted my true essence, which ultimately lead me to the idea of how to move this boulder.  My resultant answer on how to move this particular boulder was genuine and came to me with insight, love, tenderness and giving.  I also meditated and envisioned how it would be received by the other person and hoped it would be felt the way in which it was meant to be.

I learned a lot about myself during this recent episode.   For one, I was reminded that all boulders give us a chance to stop and reevaluate our path, and if soft hearted we have the chance to learn some wonderful lessons.

Feeling eternally grateful for the episode, the guidance and the chance to address that boulder with love and focus.  I am a better, stronger person for it.

Expectations

Expectations should be for Self,
Not of other people.

-Erica Jae

A shift

This past Wednesday my friends mother passed away.  She was 96.  She lived many years raising a family of 6 kids and spent the last few years with Alzheimer's.  I found out about it via facebook while at an event I was working near Boston.  During the ride home late that night and into the days following many thoughts drifted in and out of my mind.  Similar to when you find out friends are getting a divorce....it makes you question your paradigm.  Your framework.  Your life.

Most of my thoughts and realizations about her loss made me think about my parents and that time when they too shall pass.  It made me reflective.  Made me look at all the amazing things they have done for and with their children and how I would handle that day.   THAT day when they are no longer a phone call away, a mere drive away, a mere flight away.

The word that kept coming into my consciousness was SHIFT. 

A shift of Thought.

A shift of Family.

A shift of Caring.

A shift of Giving.

A shift of Loving.

So the loss is for those who remain on earth....or should I say the Shift is for those of us who remain. It is us who carry on the legacy, to write about it, to share it, to embody the things we learned from those who touch our lives.  Shifting our energies from the thoughts of loss to the thoughts of how we intend to live our days here on earth.  To embrace the beauty that is all around us (if we look), to touch the lives of those who enter our sphere (if we are open), to go within and shift our wants and desires to reflect the soul we have within.  

May we always be this way - even outside of death.  We have a short time to be effective human being here on earth...soften your heart, open your soul and touch upon the spirit we all have within.  

Made this for my friend Sue.
A Cairn marking the milestone of her mothers life,
the Alzheimer Flower Pin she gave me in support of her mother
and the 2 shells representing her life and her daughter Kate's.

Bump in the road

So this winter was harsh....not just from the "thank god my parents left me their Snow Blower when they moved to FL" aspect, but evidence from the pictures posted here show that the roads were hit hard too.

SO to add to our already fun winter....

We have hit another bump in the road.

Literally!

A Pot hole....not that huge, but very deep.  

Hidden by slush on a dark Wed. night heading to Cub Scouts.

BAM, Shudder, pull and a "what in the world was that...were we just in another accident??"

Did all I could to grab my composure when we pull into the parking lot of scouts and see a tow truck there hooking up a small red car.  No doubt they too hit the said pot hole.

So I went on to calm my son and explained we will know after scouts if any major damage if we see a bubble form on the outside of the tire.  

Promptly after the meeting, before getting in the car he checks the tire....no bubble that he could see.  PHEW

Next morning - after more snow....I am shoveling near the passenger tire and what do I see......

The bubble.

The Bubble

Ugh, Exhale, Breathe in. Clear head. Think clearly.

Need to wait for David to return from business trip, drive to Town Fair Tire, Replace.  Ca-ching. Done. Simple.

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it!

Inner & Outer

In the craziness that has been my first few months of 2015, (in our cold, stark, snowy world of RI)...I had many obstacles to hurdle.   In that time I began to drift from my true inner self...I was so exhausted by the outer invasion of information and deadlines and health issues, I lost a sense of the Inner.
Sometimes we do not realize how much of the Inner we lose until a light is fixed upon it, or words are brought before us that make us stop and think.
Today was one of those days...In the midst of all that is going on I stood up and took notice of some words that brought me back to my inner.
Let me explain...I have started another one of Deepak Chopra's guided meditations.  (I have done others before, but not recently...this past Monday though I started a new 21 day meditation presented by Chopra Institute)
I just read the reminder email that was sent - it outlines the thoughts for that particular meditation and this is what it said.....

Matching Inner and Outer
In the S-M-A-R-T acronym, the letter A stands for “agreement with your inner self and those around you.” Agreement means harmony, mutual support, and even love. For there to be agreement between the inner world of our values, goals, and beliefs and the outer world full of contentious individuals with conflicting ideas, we must find a deeper level of commonality. That agreement is based on your personal connection to universality. Steve Jobs expressed this agreement perfectly: “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”

Our centering thought for today is:
My inner and outer worlds mesh perfectly.

"I think true success is intrinsic... It's love. It's kindness. It's community."  — Tom Shadyac

Percentages

Sometimes when in conversation with people we love and are most comfortable with, the words simply flow.   And in these moments we can string together the most eloquent of verbiage - a gem that shines above all else.

Even if those words were spoken before by someone famous, or a quote we may have read before - it does not seem as touching or revealing as when it flows in context of what we are living (or trying to live).  

One of these conversations happened recently with my sister.  In the mix of daily lives spoken (motherhood, worker bee, wife, travel plans, boat prep and house renting...) our conversation lead us down a path quite beautiful and simple.  Now if I could only remember the exact eloquence with which she proffered this gem...

I wonder why I can not remember the exact words, but have come to the conclusion in peace.   Such beauty is whimsical and fleeting - as the Japanese believe in Mujo (the impermanence of things) like the blossoms of a cherry tree, so it is the same (it seems) for words spoken. 

I seemingly cannot remember the exact string of words because I am out of context to the subject matter that we spoke about weeks ago.   Simply out of touch with the moment that carried us to those words.  But the sentiment was resounding and evoked a feeling from me.  And it is that feeling I would like to share with you today so you can absorb this in your own reality.

You may not need to throw 100% of yourself into EVERYTHING you do....

but rather GIVE 100% of YOURSELF in that PERCENTAGE you are willing to GIVE of yourself to that cause. 

TO be sure the cause is worthy of you, be sure to meditate on it, so your core being and your mind are aligned.  And in doing so it will reflect the true nature of who you are.  

If you are asked to run a fundraiser for instance, be sure it is something you are aligned with heart and soul - and it will be easy to give 100% of yourself into that cause.  Just like us renting our home, moving onto a 47 foot sailing vessel - if it did not align with our beings it would be a struggle to give 100% toward the cause.   But I want to do it and experience it.
But that trip is not all I am about right now...I am still a mother, wife, daughter, employee, cook, cleaner, accounts person. planner, packer etc....all of these things I need to do/be....and some are not fun.....so I choose which of those pieces of my 'life pie' gets 100% of me.  Cleaning, cooking....not all 100% of my attention, but my kids and husband piece of the pie get 100%.  

Miss me? I was looking for a gown.

Those who know me - can attest I am not the gown kinda girl, but recently I had to wear one more often than I would have liked.

What type of gown you may wonder.....well there are all types.

There are Wedding gowns, Ball gowns, Prom gowns, Communion gowns and  dressing gowns...


In January,  I apparently did not realize I needed the latter.......a dressing gown.  See my lovely fashion bonanza~as much as I tried, the fit was not right.  Haha

I spent more than 4 weeks trying to perfect my look in said gown.  While in and out of the changing rooms - I would put on my dressing gown (or johnny as the nurse would call it) and pose in the mirror looking for the right fit.  
Now I was not in a dire situation, but for all the mental anguish, at times I felt it.   

As the story goes, I went in for my annual mammogram.  No problem...a bit of discomfort, but made it through.   Then a while later a call saying they needed to do a 2nd mammogram.  No problem, I have done this before....one time they even grabbed part of the muscle in the initial exam and had to redo.  (By the way Painful does not explain muscle in a mammogram!)
So I was not worried.  

Onto, mammogram #2.  This time at the hospital.  I walk in to see my right breast up on the screen with a dark mark smack dab in front of me.  I ask "Is that what your are looking for today?"  The answer a Yes.   That tinge of "Wait...if I can see that and I am NOT a doctor..." ran through my mind.

So I go through round two of discomfort and breath holding to find out they want to do an Ultra sound.  So now onto round three of right breast expose.  

After the ultra sound the Doc goes on to tell me they need to do an MRI "to better locate the object in question for a biopsy".  

Biopsy??!@#?  Huh.  So I say..."Well if you are going to Biopsy I need you to take the whole dang thing Doctor....ya see my family and I are renting our house for a year to leave in September from these waters to cruise down the coast to the Caribbean....all to make deeper connections within our family." 

He must have thought I was nuts for saying that about the biopsy (or maybe for doing the trip in general).  But by all means, I was serious.   

My mind grew fiercely focused on the possibility this could be cancer (and the doctor was not easing that thought)  and at the same time the only clarity in my mind was not that 'Cancer could kill me', but rather 'Cancer be Gone - I have life to live and a once in a life time trip planned!'     And in the same breath...it could be nothing, simply a lumpy breast!  

I usually pride myself on my Libra type attitudes.  Weighing out the options, waiting for the balance to return on it's own accord, believing the universe will come right.   But in hind sight, I was unable to get that balance.  I struggled, I mean with all the other things on my TO DO LIST, this announcement plopped a 50 pound bag of "What the F..." on one arm of my  balanced Scale. 

As you could imagine, thoughts of this simply filled my idle moments. 
With the trip in mind -  and unbeknownst to my conscious efforts to block it out until further conclusive evidence, I automatically went into planning for the worst mode.  I needed to have a plan in place so that if something were needed to be done to my breast, I was ready and we could still sail off come September and keep our family goal in sight.  

Heck, if we were land lubbers and the trip were not happening, I Know in my heart I would of had a different reaction and would have had a better response.  I mean the MRI did not even happen yet but WOW did it affect me.  

All in all - there was a month in between the request to have an MRI and actually having it. 
4 weeks of thoughts.....and foggy mindedness.  It took so long to schedule because they had to submit the info to my doctor for review and recommendation, then contact our Insurance for approval, to find out the Insurance was not working.  Then a week or so later the Insurance working again.....all of which I will not bore you with.    But it definitely took up way to much time and delayed the MRI for weeks........I am happy to report the dark spot found in my Mammogram and in the MRI was found to 'look' nonmalignant!!!!!   Follow up in 6 months to track it, but nothing for now....PHEW, Yeah, woohoo and all that jazz.  

After nearly 2 months of thinking about the what if's.....It took about a solid day for the relief to feel real and the JOY of planning the trip and connecting with people began - again!!!  

In reflection I learned something new about me.  I notice that when I am not feeling up, I tend to build walls around me - Not so much to protect myself, BUT to protect others from feeling my uncertainty and negative energy.  

After mentioning the 2nd mammo/MRI to some people - their immediate response of "Don't worry my friend had that - it was nothing" or "you'll be fine" came across shallow and un-fulfilling.  It may seems like a sweet thing to say, but really It made me close up, build higher walls.   A response more like...."How do you feel about it?"  or "Are you ok what can I do?" seemed more appropriate, but at the time could not put my finger on why these responses were making me feel diminutive.   I did mention it to a friend who is a breast cancer survivor and her first response was "When you schedule the MRI let me know, I will come with you for support!" WOW - her ability to receive my information and give back what I needed was astounding!!

Another thing I learned in all this was to keep my husband close and share my real fears with him.  We have been together over 17 years, and he travels alot, so I have learned to just 'Get 'er done', 'Don't bother him while travelling with issues he has no way of helping me with'.  It was a truly conscious effort to break that habit and share with him what I was thinking along the way.

The best part is, his gracious, soft heart stayed open and strong for me the whole time.  He did not make me feel like I was crazy for planning 'as if' it was something horrific.  He just listened.  He came with me to the MRI even after three times me saying, "Honey you do not need to come with me, you'll just be sitting in the waiting room".  But no - each of the three times I was giving him an 'out', three times he said he was coming.  I know he is busy with work and His boat to do list, but he still came and sat patiently for more than an hour it took for the MRI to happen.  

Yes - can you believe - more than an hour.  I was scheduled for a contrasting MRI which means I needed an IV.  Well, I know from giving blood that I need to hydrate ALOT before I go - just to get my veins to be properly plump.   And I was a bit dehydrated which meant I became the nurses pin cushion.  I apparently have very 'rolly' veins......they made 3 attempts where they got it in, but was not sitting properly...and that's when they had to call in a Pro!   (With which after we waited for her, she had my IV in in about 5 seconds!!  Thank God!)   Anyway, when I was finished, there was Dave waiting patiently.  (He is the one who took my lovely gown shot at the top of this post!  =)
  
Anyway...this experience has shifted my heart and my mind.  Sometimes we need a HALTING life moment to make us savor life, our partners even more!!!

Maybe even more important on a singular note - we need to take time to reflect or meditate on our true feelings in order to learn the lessons within!

NAMASTE!

Water, Water everywhere

Looking out the door today.......I noticed the natural beauty of water.  

Water all around us.  

Water in it's frozen form.

Hardened and reaching out into tiny crystal formations.  

One moment it took to notice, one moment to stop, one moment to look.   This moment allowed me to enjoy the sheer beauty of it.   It is breath taking.  

The 3 shots below bring you closer to the unique formation that found itself clinging onto the glass. Clinging until the heat of the sun decides it's time to melt it.  Time to make it fluid once again.

Water, water everywhere....

Catching Fire...

Finding your simplest form of happy.

Today I shifted my paradigm and did something for me.  It made me extremely happy inside, connected, rooted .

I stopped for a moment and took control of myself in a simple gesture.  I stopped letting all the things, lists, to dos that are running around my peripheral and central vision....and listened to what I desired.

It was sincerely like playing hooky from my life, but gave me such a sense of focus, joy and love. 

I ran around prior to it and had tons to do after it.....but I just needed to know I was still in control of the simple desire to do something for me.

I went to a matinee mid week without kids! Without it being a kid movie or animated movie!  I know you probably thought it was something juicier or more in depth.  But no.  I simply found time to see a movie, mid-week, no kids, no spouse....before it left the big screen forever.

I am happy to say my friend Sue came along for the ride....to which I thank her for witnessing my desire to retire for 2 hours this afternoon before resuming the checklist of life.

May this blog be Catching Fire within your Soul - so you too will listen for your simple desire!!

Do Chag...

December 15, 2014

Do you have a "Do Chag"?  

Do Chag is the Tibetan word for 'Sticky Desire'.  

Owning a sailboat is our Sticky Desire to create strong bonds within our family.   But there are other Do Chag references, especially with Christmas coming upon us....read on.

My husband at the time found this article by Arthur Brooks that is one he was compelled to share.  It hit a chord within him, as it did with me.

If you take a minute to read the whole article you will find yourself shifted in thought (or validated in thought) about our Attachment to Things.  (But you must read on past the first few paragraphs....and click on the 'rest of the article'.)

It certainly touches on our Desire to create experiences within our family that transcends any material item we could ever purchase. 

For the rest of the Do Chag story about attachments, click here...

Check engine light

December 10, 2014

Hmmm.....the bump in the road, the ouch that hurts my wallet, the moment you realize you bought a used Lemon.  This past week the Check engine light went on in our 'new to Me' used 2005 VW Passat Wagon 1.8 turbo silver bullet with 143,000 miles on it.

I went a few days with the light on for I found out it could be the gas cap was not secured tightly enough.  Good conclusion since I had just filled it up with gas the day before the 'check engine light' appeared.    I mean, the car ran no different from the moment I drove it off the used car lot to when the light went off.....so gas cap is what I went with.

But after a few days - the light stayed on.   Hmmm.....I brought it then to Auto Zone, for they can diagnose your car engine light for FREE.  Yes a FREE service and they were so amazingly pleasant.
The code came up P0304.  Sounds like an ok series of digits.  This means Cylinder 4 is not firing correctly.   Ok, what do I do with that bit of info.   I know how to change spark plugs and wires (yep, I can do that ladies!!!  My dad and a car guy I dated in college taught me a lot!  Who wants to be a damsel in distress on the side of the road waiting for someone to save her........not me.  My dad also taught me how to drive stick shift just so I could get out of any situation I needed to in an emergency!  Thanks Dad)

Ok... I digress, back to the car.  The next day I pulled the front end into the garage and open the hood. I see 1.8 Turbo staring me in the face....and I see a place for spark plugs but not really any wiring I would be familiar with.  I know it's been awhile since college and being hands on with a car engine - but have things under the hood changed that much??  I turned away and tucked my pride back in, took a deep breath and called the local VW dealership asking if they could check out the car.  We drove it up there first thing and they came back with the same diagnostic of the cylinder.

Then I ask how much..........one grand.  Does not look so bad when you type it out in letters but when you type it out with digits....$1,000.00 .....OUCH.  Especially when you are trying so hard to save for an amazing sailing experience with your family in Less than a years time!  This money could go towards the homeschooling books for the boys, toward the monthly satellite connection bill, toward food, toward the water maker, toward anything that means connecting with my family and NOT A USED CAR!

OK, deep breath, money is money.  Keep my heart open and realize this is a bump in the road, an obstacle we must jump over, a rise we must climb to see the beautiful landscape.  

And to remember look beyond the obstacle when your Dream is Bigger than the resistance!  

Namaste!

End note:  We had the shop fix the leaking gaskets, spark plugs and coils (there weren't any wires, so I am not crazy!!)  and we picked it up tonight.  I have to say, it does run smoother and it is so nice to drive without the Check Engine Light on!!

Thanksgiving 2014

November 27th, 2014 

Thanksgiving Post - ODE to MOM and DAD

We had a special Thanksgiving Celebration this year.  As my parents have moved to Florida and will be selling their NJ house on December 5th it was decided to have one more BIG HOORAH in this place we called home for my whole life (and my sisters too!).

46+ years my parents spent in this house on Spring Street and we wanted to celebrate!  After clearing out all the contents back in September and only leaving a bed, a TV, couch and dining room table - we thought it might be fun to gather around that table one more time!

So it was planned to have a Paper Plate and Plastic fork Thanksgiving with a food platter ordered from Stop and Shop Market.
It was such a great way to leave this house - this house filled with memories, Laughter, blood, sweat and tears!

Mom, Dad...

Your Girls grew up, Grew away and now go on their merry ways...with our own families and our own homes.  All thanks to your wonderful support.

Good Luck in your beautiful, warm, sunny house in Florida and with your new camper up in Pennsylvania.   We look forward to making new memories in all your new places!

Thank you for having me (and my sisters too!).
We are all thankful that God gave us such wonderful parents! 

Cute couple

                                                                    Enjoy the photos!

A game of Left Right Center

Momma and her crazy fun loving girls!!

Cousins table

Grandpa Santa!

Barb and Pattylicious

Sisters bookending our cousin Kristen

 Nothing like family to celebrate the holidays with!!

 Au Revoir family room and kitchen

Sayonara Stairwell

Adios garage

The 46+ years house......that was built over 100 years ago.

Their new beautiful home in Florida!

Fun times ahead for everyone!

Moments

Moments

Got a call while filming a commercial on the 28th of October from the Collision Center the van was brought to after our car accident.  Hoping it was the results from the appraiser, so we know what direction to move in...I checked voice mail.  Apparently the appraiser cannot do his duty without the keys.

So after our shoot was "A Wrap"...I drove from Braintree to Newport to hand over the keys.  First I went to the van and grabbed the 3 bags of clothes and 4 pairs of shoes we were going to drop off at the Big Brothers, Big Sisters of RI, among other items strewn across the Mom mobile.

One item I found in a tiny space was a small shell I picked up in New Zealand two years ago Christmas from the beach in Tuaranga.  It was not in an obvious spot.  When I leaned over from the passenger seat to peer into the little opening near the steering wheel, I saw it and I felt a warmth in my chest and a smile slowly turning up the corner of my lips.

This little snail shell represents an amazing time in my life When connecting with the universe, connecting with others in a deeper way and self exploration was at it's height.  I was exploring being a student of my life and not taking on the angst or emotions of others - which allowed me to explore and be at peace with who I was at that time.

While vacationing with David's family and taking daily strolls on that beach - I found these tiny shells to be prolific along the shoreline.  I picked up as many as I could - I was like a hoarder of shells. Pockets filled and I would come back to the apartment and clean them for I wanted to bring them home.

Not to add clutter to our home in the states, but to remind me of the most peaceful moments that were evoked in those sandy meditative strolls.    I wasn't collecting shells I was collecting Moments.
And it was those moments I wanted to bring home.  Each shell representing a moment.

A moment of simplicity.  A moment of peace.  A moment of reflection.  A moment of sea spray.  A moment of feeling the earth below my feet.  A moment alone.  A moment with family.  A moment to celebrate me.  A moment to share.  A moment to see the excellence within.  A moment to dream.  A moment to realize.   A moment to meditate.  A moment to realize potential.  A moment to be present. A moment.......

As I walked that beach - the peace I felt and the connection I felt with nature - was paramount.  And these shells represented each thought, each moment I pondered as I strolled with the sea mist on my face.   You can add your own moment to that list...it just takes a moment of turning your attention inward.  Thinking simply.

I cleaned and brought home a bunch of them - and handed them out to an amazing group of women who took a chance and ventured on a journey of Extreme Self Care with me.  This gift from nature from a far away land was a reminder to them and to you - that we always have an opportunity to reflect on our own individual MOMENTS!

What are your moments?