Not posted until now......

***I wrote the below in 2016/ 2017 but did not post as it was too fresh and I was not in a good 'place'.  But in rereading it today, it surely captures that part of my journey and thought I would share.    So much great, amazing happenings since 2017 > and I will share with you soon.


***August 2017
It has been over a year since my last post.  And what a ROLLER COASTER of a year it has been.
I have never been tested and tried and worn thin like this before.  I have never felt more out of sorts in my life.  I was hurt to the core of my existence by two people I trusted and loved and shared my life goals and dreams with and they threw me away for selfish reasons.   Self absorbed, selfish, broken reasons.
I am not the first this has happened to.  I had close friends of mine come out and tell me their stories of trust ripped from their existence by close friends and spouses, they shared their truths just because they saw what I was going through and they offered me solace in their own journeys.   For that I am forever grateful.

I choose not to slander those who thought THEY knew what was BEST FOR ME.  Who thought Their BROKEN upbringings made their reasons for lying to me - justified.  It was not.  I have a solid upbringing, generations of 50+ year marriages and understandings of what that means, and how through hardships then highs and lows, you simply PERSEVERE until those glorious connected moments arise again.  The understanding that we all have quirks, and scratchy personality traits - but to someone who LOVES you until death do you part - holds those quirks in their gentle hands and tries to understand you - rather than dump you for a side of the fence they feel the grass is greener..

I have felt the deepest despair, the sheer confounded reality that the person who I knew....was no longer connected to me, no longer understood by me....not for lack of trying, but for the sheer WANT of that partner to talk and connect the way we use to.  And to find, their agenda DID NOT INCLUDE YOU.  They could NOT include you....because of....

When I finally let go of the want of my 'person' back, I was FREE.  I was Singular in mind and focused, determined.
I literally had to understand that although the flesh did not Die, the death was in spirit, emotional connection, physical presence and rational mind.

All that aside, I have to find a way to create checks and balances.  A way to climb out of this emotional state and find my being.  And that journey begins today!

I will create my road to healing and success.   Just wait, watch and see.   Here's to closing out 2017 - I hope my recovery from the dismantling of my 18 year marriage is fast.   I have too much living to do.   But I am willing to be alone for a while as I figure it out.   Remember - it is good to give yourself time.

***August 24th, 2016 - was the beginning of accepting my truth.....death without a funeral had arrived.   I buried my want of something that I thought could be accomplished in a divorce/seperation...one that is absolutely amicable, even with the knowledge that lies had been told, stories concocted to keep me 'simplified' in their equation.  I was all alone.  ALONE, alone.  Physically, mentally, emotionally and geographically.

I had no IDEA exactly one year before I would be days away from getting the Divorce Decree.  I saw our planned Caribbean Adventure with our young boys as a powerful tool in rebuilding some of the simpler desires we had lost in the chaos of each day, to remove the shields we had built to protect ourselves from years of just getting on.  TO take off the blinders of protection and reignite the passions and truths we currently were harboring away from each other.  I was building up to the casting of lines....whereas my partner was distracted.  And in my exhaustion from the budgeting, planning, homeschooling prep, rental search, clearing out of the house, prepping boat, provisioning, daily school work, daily activities and normal bookkeeping...I was not more vigilant to see the truth before my own eyes.

I did however question the parties (my husband and my friend) about certain actions, and revelaed to my husband my gut feelings - all to be thwarted or cleverly disguised as solid emails of claiming to  want what I wanted.  I even confronted thee Paramour (a lover, and often a secret one you're not married to; ei. the friend)  and asked to let me the wife be on top of the pedestal and for her to step down....of which led to disaster.   I thought I was being tactful, yet direct in my request to leave my spouse alone.   Which the paramour took as a green flag and began heavy flirtatious advances to my spouse. (The proof comes in text format, ya see within minutes of the many texts to my partner, the paramour was checking in with me....I have the proof!  (And when you see the time stamps on those text messages, it really makes one ill.) 

Sail away

What a difference a day can make

.  

Recently I have been swimming in lost thoughts and unease.

Well what a difference a day or two can make.

Diving deep, I realized my state of mixed feelings was rooted in much, much more than boat living distress and change of living ideals - but had more to do with other thoughts that have been consuming my soul quietly for a while now.  

And the simplicity the boat represented, gave way to the flood gates of pent up emotions I have not dealt with while in the mad- scramble to get everything done to make the shift to the boat.

So I write this post with new energy, a great outlook and gratitude in my heart to my close friends who listened to me unravel a 'kinked necklace of thoughts' from my soul.   

I tend to pride myself on the ability to step outside myself and view my inner clashes with a neutral perspective and grace, usually gaining traction on my own and moving forward.

The lack of being able to do this was a major hang up in moving past my consuming thoughts.  

So in light of the inability to self calm and figure out, I shifted from my normal resolution process and shared my woes - and those open hearts who listened gave me the perspective I was lacking.  

I am so grateful.

In receiving all their perspectives, advice and of course ruminating resolutions...I came away yesterday morning with a great sense of being loved, not just by myself but by others who I may not have realized cared so much.  In a days time, with the help of the positive winds of change my friends and husband bestowed on me, I was able to sail away from the shore of distressing thoughts.  

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Origins

From my experience I see a distinct difference between how I have come to know my path and how one of my closest friends found their path.

Being in awe and very amenable to my friend's journey, I have come to know my own experience, and that my own journey has an origin of a different essence. 

At the time, It did not take long to see our journey's forward intent was similar, yet largely different in origin.  Her depth of searching so inspired me, yet there were times...although I understood her every deep word and vision, felt I was not on the same stance.  Not that I minded at the time.  I just could not figure out why I felt my journey was different.

Upon reflecting at our years of discussion and outlooks, that is when it dawned on me.  Our life reasoning's that gave us this desire to find deeper connections grew from different bases.

- Hers was finding/searching for something she never experienced

- Mine was a re-acquaintance of a known solid foundation

These are both valuable and admirable bases for journeys.  It does not mean the searching or re-acquainting reasons of the journey is swirled through the whole journey, it's just the origin.  It gives a base to grow your purpose and grow your thoughts from.

What is the Origin of your spiritual journey?

The Boulder

When your heart is open and you try and live life with inner intent and soul searching serenity…you come upon many chances to discover something new about yourself. 

I have always seen this journey as a path, a path where I am moving forward.  I imagine a quiet dirt path, meandering its way through a tall wooded grove with sunlight streaming through the leaves searching for contact with the underbrush.

In a recently hard episode in my life - I felt that my journey became a shambles and I wasn't strong enough to stay on the path.   This recent incident derailed my journey for a couple of days, but with the insight of my close friend and confidant Erica - she reminded me of some very important thoughts. 

She so kindly said "I have not fallen off track but rather my journey is still happening and the episode is part of the journey."  Visualize the episode as a boulder that has been placed on the track and it has halted your forward progress.   It is true, my lack of forward motion made me feel stifled and congested in my thoughts.

"Use the boulder as an opportunity to learn something about yourself."

Her words resonated.  When I realized I hadn't fallen off track, and the many years of aspiring to be true to my core self weren't as fragile as I imagined…..I was enlightened and heartened.  I no longer felt off track, frazzled or like a failure.  Instead the boulder was a gift, an opportunity to look within, to halt, to reevaluate the path.   If we could all look at what is halting our journey with a soft heart, we would have some wonderful lessons to learn.  

She mentioned there is no way to go through the boulder or ignore it.  If I wanted to keep moving forward on my path I needed to address it, meditate on it. Accept it as a chance to grow.

Basically, in order to begin forward motion again the boulder needed to be moved and to move it I needed to shower it with my deeper understanding and love.   To find this I would have to meditate on the boulder, but first get to know it's size, weight, structure.  Then during the meditation - focus on what the boulder is, why it is there and how it could be moved with love through a singular focus.  To move it without an offensive measure but with tenderness.

This meditation had amazing results and gave me calm, strength, and highlighted my true essence, which ultimately lead me to the idea of how to move this boulder.  My resultant answer on how to move this particular boulder was genuine and came to me with insight, love, tenderness and giving.  I also meditated and envisioned how it would be received by the other person and hoped it would be felt the way in which it was meant to be.

I learned a lot about myself during this recent episode.   For one, I was reminded that all boulders give us a chance to stop and reevaluate our path, and if soft hearted we have the chance to learn some wonderful lessons.

Feeling eternally grateful for the episode, the guidance and the chance to address that boulder with love and focus.  I am a better, stronger person for it.

Expectations

Expectations should be for Self,
Not of other people.

-Erica Jae

A shift

This past Wednesday my friends mother passed away.  She was 96.  She lived many years raising a family of 6 kids and spent the last few years with Alzheimer's.  I found out about it via facebook while at an event I was working near Boston.  During the ride home late that night and into the days following many thoughts drifted in and out of my mind.  Similar to when you find out friends are getting a divorce....it makes you question your paradigm.  Your framework.  Your life.

Most of my thoughts and realizations about her loss made me think about my parents and that time when they too shall pass.  It made me reflective.  Made me look at all the amazing things they have done for and with their children and how I would handle that day.   THAT day when they are no longer a phone call away, a mere drive away, a mere flight away.

The word that kept coming into my consciousness was SHIFT. 

A shift of Thought.

A shift of Family.

A shift of Caring.

A shift of Giving.

A shift of Loving.

So the loss is for those who remain on earth....or should I say the Shift is for those of us who remain. It is us who carry on the legacy, to write about it, to share it, to embody the things we learned from those who touch our lives.  Shifting our energies from the thoughts of loss to the thoughts of how we intend to live our days here on earth.  To embrace the beauty that is all around us (if we look), to touch the lives of those who enter our sphere (if we are open), to go within and shift our wants and desires to reflect the soul we have within.  

May we always be this way - even outside of death.  We have a short time to be effective human being here on earth...soften your heart, open your soul and touch upon the spirit we all have within.  

Made this for my friend Sue.
A Cairn marking the milestone of her mothers life,
the Alzheimer Flower Pin she gave me in support of her mother
and the 2 shells representing her life and her daughter Kate's.

Bump in the road

So this winter was harsh....not just from the "thank god my parents left me their Snow Blower when they moved to FL" aspect, but evidence from the pictures posted here show that the roads were hit hard too.

SO to add to our already fun winter....

We have hit another bump in the road.

Literally!

A Pot hole....not that huge, but very deep.  

Hidden by slush on a dark Wed. night heading to Cub Scouts.

BAM, Shudder, pull and a "what in the world was that...were we just in another accident??"

Did all I could to grab my composure when we pull into the parking lot of scouts and see a tow truck there hooking up a small red car.  No doubt they too hit the said pot hole.

So I went on to calm my son and explained we will know after scouts if any major damage if we see a bubble form on the outside of the tire.  

Promptly after the meeting, before getting in the car he checks the tire....no bubble that he could see.  PHEW

Next morning - after more snow....I am shoveling near the passenger tire and what do I see......

The bubble.

The Bubble

Ugh, Exhale, Breathe in. Clear head. Think clearly.

Need to wait for David to return from business trip, drive to Town Fair Tire, Replace.  Ca-ching. Done. Simple.

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it!

Inner & Outer

In the craziness that has been my first few months of 2015, (in our cold, stark, snowy world of RI)...I had many obstacles to hurdle.   In that time I began to drift from my true inner self...I was so exhausted by the outer invasion of information and deadlines and health issues, I lost a sense of the Inner.
Sometimes we do not realize how much of the Inner we lose until a light is fixed upon it, or words are brought before us that make us stop and think.
Today was one of those days...In the midst of all that is going on I stood up and took notice of some words that brought me back to my inner.
Let me explain...I have started another one of Deepak Chopra's guided meditations.  (I have done others before, but not recently...this past Monday though I started a new 21 day meditation presented by Chopra Institute)
I just read the reminder email that was sent - it outlines the thoughts for that particular meditation and this is what it said.....

Matching Inner and Outer
In the S-M-A-R-T acronym, the letter A stands for “agreement with your inner self and those around you.” Agreement means harmony, mutual support, and even love. For there to be agreement between the inner world of our values, goals, and beliefs and the outer world full of contentious individuals with conflicting ideas, we must find a deeper level of commonality. That agreement is based on your personal connection to universality. Steve Jobs expressed this agreement perfectly: “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”

Our centering thought for today is:
My inner and outer worlds mesh perfectly.

"I think true success is intrinsic... It's love. It's kindness. It's community."  — Tom Shadyac

Percentages

Sometimes when in conversation with people we love and are most comfortable with, the words simply flow.   And in these moments we can string together the most eloquent of verbiage - a gem that shines above all else.

Even if those words were spoken before by someone famous, or a quote we may have read before - it does not seem as touching or revealing as when it flows in context of what we are living (or trying to live).  

One of these conversations happened recently with my sister.  In the mix of daily lives spoken (motherhood, worker bee, wife, travel plans, boat prep and house renting...) our conversation lead us down a path quite beautiful and simple.  Now if I could only remember the exact eloquence with which she proffered this gem...

I wonder why I can not remember the exact words, but have come to the conclusion in peace.   Such beauty is whimsical and fleeting - as the Japanese believe in Mujo (the impermanence of things) like the blossoms of a cherry tree, so it is the same (it seems) for words spoken. 

I seemingly cannot remember the exact string of words because I am out of context to the subject matter that we spoke about weeks ago.   Simply out of touch with the moment that carried us to those words.  But the sentiment was resounding and evoked a feeling from me.  And it is that feeling I would like to share with you today so you can absorb this in your own reality.

You may not need to throw 100% of yourself into EVERYTHING you do....

but rather GIVE 100% of YOURSELF in that PERCENTAGE you are willing to GIVE of yourself to that cause. 

TO be sure the cause is worthy of you, be sure to meditate on it, so your core being and your mind are aligned.  And in doing so it will reflect the true nature of who you are.  

If you are asked to run a fundraiser for instance, be sure it is something you are aligned with heart and soul - and it will be easy to give 100% of yourself into that cause.  Just like us renting our home, moving onto a 47 foot sailing vessel - if it did not align with our beings it would be a struggle to give 100% toward the cause.   But I want to do it and experience it.
But that trip is not all I am about right now...I am still a mother, wife, daughter, employee, cook, cleaner, accounts person. planner, packer etc....all of these things I need to do/be....and some are not fun.....so I choose which of those pieces of my 'life pie' gets 100% of me.  Cleaning, cooking....not all 100% of my attention, but my kids and husband piece of the pie get 100%.